IT’S A PUNNY WORLD – ENJOY IT !

   --I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down. 

 -- Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now. 

 --  It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it. 

 -- I was going to look for my missing watch, but I could never find the time. 

 --. I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it. 

 --  A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it. 

 --  Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest. 

 -- To write with a broken pencil is pointless. 

 --  He drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how the Mercedes bends. 

 -- Atheism is a non-prophet organization. 

 -- . I did a theatrical performance about puns. Really it was just a play on words. 

 -- I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now. 

 -- Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor. 

-- A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.

 --  Need an ark to save two of every animal? I noah guy.

 -- A new type of broom came out, it is sweeping the nation.

  -- A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital.  

 When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was a nurse said 'No change yet'.

 --  The new weed whacker is cutting-hedge technology.

  -- Some people's noses and feet are built backwards: their feet smell and their noses run.

 -- When William joined the army he disliked the phrase 'fire at will'.

 --  Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.

  -- There was once a cross-eyed teacher who couldn't control his pupils.

  -- The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

 -- I wanted to lose weight so I went to the paint store. I heard I could get thinner there.

 -- Lightning sometimes shocks people because it just doesn't know how to conduct itself.

 -- A prisoner's favorite punctuation mark is the period. It marks the end of his sentence.

 --  A rule of grammar: double negatives are a no-no.

 -- Sleeping comes so naturally to me, I could do it with my eyes closed.

  -- Atheists don't solve exponential equations because they don't believe in higher powers.

 -- It's raining cats and dogs. Well, as long as it doesn't reindeer.

 -- I relish the fact that you've mustard the strength to ketchup to me.

  --- My new theory on inertia doesn't seem to be gaining momentum.

  -- The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

 --- What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing - but it let out a little whine.

 --  When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

 --  If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

  --- She got fired from the hot dog stand for putting her hair in a bun.

 -- The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

  -- John Deere's manure spreader is the only equipment the company won't stand behind.

 -- Pencils could be made with erasers at both ends, but what would be the point?

 -- I was arrested after my therapist suggested I take something for my kleptomania.

 --- A hungry traveller stops at a monastery and is taken to the kitchens. A brother is frying chips.  

 'Are you the friar?' he asks.  

 'No.I'm the chip monk,' he replies.
 

-- Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I'm OK, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside.

 --What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).

 --  Two peanuts were walking in a tough neighborhood and one of them was a-salted.