ATM PROTOCOL FOR MALE AND FEMALE CUSTOMERS

A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:

'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.

Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.'

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MALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to the cash machine.

2. Put down your car window.

3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.

4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.

5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.

6. Put window up.

7. Drive off.

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FEMALE PROCEDURE:

What is really funny is that most of this part is the Truth.!!!!

1. Drive up to cash machine.

2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.

3. Set hand brake, put the window down.

4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.

5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.

6. Attempt to insert card into machine.

7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.

8. Insert card.

9. Re-insert card the right way.

10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.

11. Enter PIN.

12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.

13. Enter amount of cash required.

14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.

15. Retrieve cash and receipt.

16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.

17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of chequebook.

18. Re-check makeup.

19. Drive forward 2 feet.

20. Reverse back to cash machine.

21. Retrieve card.

22. Re-empty handbag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!

23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.

24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.

25. Redial person on cell phone.

26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.

27. Release hand brake.

IT’S A PUNNY WORLD – ENJOY IT !

   --I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down. 

 -- Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now. 

 --  It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it. 

 -- I was going to look for my missing watch, but I could never find the time. 

 --. I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it. 

 --  A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it. 

 --  Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest. 

 -- To write with a broken pencil is pointless. 

 --  He drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how the Mercedes bends. 

 -- Atheism is a non-prophet organization. 

 -- . I did a theatrical performance about puns. Really it was just a play on words. 

 -- I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now. 

 -- Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor. 

-- A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.

 --  Need an ark to save two of every animal? I noah guy.

 -- A new type of broom came out, it is sweeping the nation.

  -- A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital.  

 When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was a nurse said 'No change yet'.

 --  The new weed whacker is cutting-hedge technology.

  -- Some people's noses and feet are built backwards: their feet smell and their noses run.

 -- When William joined the army he disliked the phrase 'fire at will'.

 --  Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.

  -- There was once a cross-eyed teacher who couldn't control his pupils.

  -- The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

 -- I wanted to lose weight so I went to the paint store. I heard I could get thinner there.

 -- Lightning sometimes shocks people because it just doesn't know how to conduct itself.

 -- A prisoner's favorite punctuation mark is the period. It marks the end of his sentence.

 --  A rule of grammar: double negatives are a no-no.

 -- Sleeping comes so naturally to me, I could do it with my eyes closed.

  -- Atheists don't solve exponential equations because they don't believe in higher powers.

 -- It's raining cats and dogs. Well, as long as it doesn't reindeer.

 -- I relish the fact that you've mustard the strength to ketchup to me.

  --- My new theory on inertia doesn't seem to be gaining momentum.

  -- The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

 --- What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing - but it let out a little whine.

 --  When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

 --  If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

  --- She got fired from the hot dog stand for putting her hair in a bun.

 -- The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

  -- John Deere's manure spreader is the only equipment the company won't stand behind.

 -- Pencils could be made with erasers at both ends, but what would be the point?

 -- I was arrested after my therapist suggested I take something for my kleptomania.

 --- A hungry traveller stops at a monastery and is taken to the kitchens. A brother is frying chips.  

 'Are you the friar?' he asks.  

 'No.I'm the chip monk,' he replies.
 

-- Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I'm OK, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside.

 --What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).

 --  Two peanuts were walking in a tough neighborhood and one of them was a-salted.

ALL ABOUT "UP"

Read until the end.....you'll laugh....

This two-letter word in English has more meanings than any
other two-letter word, and that word
is 'UP.'  It is listed in the
dictionary as an [adv], [prep], [adj], [n] or [v].

It's
easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky
or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we
wake UP?

At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do
we speak UP, and why are the
officers UP for
election and why is it UP to the secretary to
write UP a
report? We call UP our friends,
brighten UP a room, polish UP the
silver, warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We
lock UP the house and 
fix UP the old
car.

At other times this little word has real special
meaning. People stir UP trouble,
line UP for
tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.

To be dressed is one
thing but to be dressed UP is
special.

And this UP is confusing:  A
drain must be opened UP because it is stopped  UP.

We
open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at
night. We seem to be pretty mixed
UP about UP !

To be
knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look UP the word UP in the dictionary.. In a desk-sized
dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4 of the page and can add UP to about
thirty definitions

If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may
wind UP with a hundred or
more.

When it threatens to rain, we say it is
clouding UP . When the sun comes out
we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, it
soaks UP the
earth. When it does not rain for awhile, things dry UP. One could go on & on, but I'll wrap
it UP, for now  ........my time is UP !

Don't screw UP. Send this on to everyone you
look UP in your address
book..  
 
Now
I'll shut UP

A LIVERPOOL CLASSIC

A woman walks into the Liverpool benefits office, trailed by 15 kids...

 'WOW,' the social worker exclaims, 'Are they ALL yours ?

Yeah they are all mine,' the flustered mother sighs, having heard

that question a thousand times before. She says, 'Sit down Terry.' All the children rush to find seats.

 'Well,' says the social worker, 'then you must be here to sign up.

 I'll need all your children's names.'

 This one's my oldest - he is Terry.'  'OK, and who's next?'

 'Well, this one he is Terry, also.'

 The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Terry. Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Terri.

'All right,' says the caseworker. 'I'm seeing a pattern here. Are they ALL named Terri?'

 Their Mother replied, 'Well, yes - it makes it easier. When it is time

 to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Terry!' And

 when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Terry!' and they all come ..  runnin.'

And if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street,

 I just yell 'Terry' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I 've

had, namin' them all Terry.'

The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her

forehead and says tentatively, 'But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?

'I call them by their surnames!'

A LESSON FROM LIFE – AND DEATH

Arthur Ashe, the legendary Wimbledon player, was dying of Aids which he got due to infected blood he received during heart surgery in 1983.

During his battle with cancer, Ashe received letters from fans from all over the world. He read all of his letters, but only replied to one. The fan who wrote to him asked him, “Why does God have to select you for such a bad disease?” 

Ashe replied, “In the world, there are 50 million children who start playing tennis each year, 1 million of them really learn to play tennis. Half a million manage to learn professional tennis. 50,000 come to the circuit, 5,000 reach the grand slam. 50 reach Wimbledon, 4 reach the final round, 2 reach the final round, and only one wins the championship. When I was holding the cup, I never asked, ‘God, why me?’ and today in pain, how could I ask him, ‘why me?’” 

Happiness keeps you sweet

Trials keep you strong

Sorrow keeps you human

Failure keeps you humble and success keeps you glowing

but

Only faith and attitude keep you going!!!

THE FIRST 9/11 DIVORCE

NOTHING, THANK YOU !

In India, it is customary to ask a guest, "Kya Pyoge?" or "What will you drink" to which a polite reply (not taken seriously by the host) is "Kuchh Nahin (or nai)" which means "Nothing, thank you."

Taking inspiration from this, a distiller in Scotland has recently brought out a scotch called, what else, "Kuchh Nai". It is being promoted as a deluxe Scotch whiskey. For more details, connoiseurs can visit http://www.kuchhnai.com/index.php.

Here's a photo of a bottle of nothing or "Kuchh Nai" :

That Perfect Bottle of Scotch - Cheers !