TWO & A HALF RUPEE NOTE

Did you ever hear of a two and a half Indian Rupee note? I hadn't and thought it would be as fake as a US$ 3 bill. Well, I was in for a surprise. Someone forwarded me an image of a two and a half Rupee note issued in British India during the reign of King George V. It happened in 1918. Here it is for all to see:

WELL, I DIDN'T KNOW THAT !

Q: Why do men's clothes have buttons on the right while women's clothes have buttons on the left?

A: When buttons were invented, they were very expensive and worn primarily by the rich. Since most people are right-handed, it is easier to push buttons on the right through holes on the left. Because wealthy women were dressed by maids, dressmakers put the buttons on the maid's right!  And that's where women's buttons have remained since.

Q: Why do ships and aircraft use 'mayday' as their call for help?

A: This comes from the French word m'aidez -- meaning 'help me' -- and is pronounced, approximately, 'mayday.'

Q: Why are zero scores in tennis called 'love'?

A: In France , where tennis became popular, the round zero on the scoreboard looked like an egg and was called 'l'oeuf,' which is French for 'the egg.'  When tennis was introduced in the US , Americans (mis)pronounced it 'love.'

Q. Why do X's at the end of a letter signify kisses?

A: In the Middle Ages, when many people were unable to read or write, documents were often signed using an X. Kissing the X represented an oath to fulfill obligations specified in the document. The X and the kiss eventually became synonymous.

Q: Why is shifting responsibility to someone else called 'passing the buck'?

A: In card games, it was once customary to pass an item, called a buck, from player to player to indicate whose turn it was to deal.  If a player did not wish to assume the responsibility of dealing, he would 'pass the buck' to the next player.

Q: Why do people clink their glasses before drinking a toast?

A: It used to be common for someone to try to kill an enemy by offering him a poisoned drink. To prove to a guest that a drink was safe, it became customary for a guest to pour a small amount of his drink into the glass of the host. Both men would drink it simultaneously.  When a guest trusted his host, he would only touch or clink the host's glass with his own.

Q: Why are people in the public eye said to be 'in the limelight'?

A: Invented in 1825, limelight was used in lighthouses and theatres by burning a cylinder of lime which produced a brilliant light. In the theatre, a performer 'in the limelight' was the center of attention.

Q: Why is someone who is feeling great 'on cloud nine'?

A: Types of clouds are numbered according to the altitudes they attain, with nine being the highest cloud.  If someone is said to be on cloud nine, that person is floating well above worldly cares.

Q: In golf, where did the term 'Caddie' come from?

A. When Mary Queen of Scots went to France as a young girl, Louis, King of France, learned that she loved the Scots game 'golf.'  He had the first course outside of Scotland built for her enjoyment. To make sure she was properly chaperoned (and guarded) while she played, Louis hired cadets from a military school to accompany her.  Mary liked this a lot and when returned to Scotland (not a very good idea in the long run), she took the practice with her. In French, the word cadet is pronounced 'ca-day' and the Scots changed it into ‘caddie.’

Q: Why are many coin banks shaped like pigs?

A: Long ago, dishes and cookware in Europe were made of a dense       orange clay called 'pygg'.  When people saved coins in jars made of

this clay, the jars became known as 'pygg banks.'  When an English potter misunderstood the word, he made a container that resembled a pig.  And it caught on.

So there you are!  Now you know!

THE CONSULTANT

A shepherd was looking after his sheep on the edge of a deserted road. Suddenly a brand new Mercedes SUV screeches to a halt next to him. The driver, a young man dressed in a Brioni suit, Cerrutti shoes, Ray-Ban glasses, and a YSL tie got out and asked the shepherd: "If I can guess how many sheep you have, will you give me one of them?" 

The shepherd looked at the young man, then looked at the sheep grazing a few yards away and said: "All right." The young man parked the car,
connected a notebook computer to his cellular telephone, entered a NASA
website, scanned the ground using his GPS, opened a data base and 60 Excel
tables filled with algorithms and then printed a 150-page report on his
high-tech mini-printer. He then turned to the shepherd and said: "You have
exactly 1,586 sheep here."

The shepherd answered: "That's correct; you can have your one sheep." The
 young man took the sheep and put it in the back of his SUV.

The shepherd watched him load the sheep and asked: "If I can guess your
 profession, will you return my sheep to me?"

The young man answered: "Yes, why not."

The shepherd thought a moment then said: "You are a consultant!"

"How did you know?" asked the young man.

"Very simple", answered the shepherd: "First, you come here without being
 called. Second, you charge me a sheep to tell me something I already know.
 Third, it is obvious that you do not understand anything about what I do.

You took my dog!

SQUARE TESTICLES

An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money..

After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.

The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, '$165,000'. The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money.  The elderly woman replied that she made bets.

The president was surprised and asked, 'What kind of bets?'

The elderly woman replied, 'Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square.'

The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.

The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, 'Would you like to take my bet?'

'Certainly', replied the president. 'I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square.'

'Done', the elderly woman answered. 'But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 ' clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness.'

'No problem', said the president of the Bank confidently.

That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.

The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square.

The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before.  Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.

The president was happy to oblige.

The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. 'Of course', said the president. 'Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure.'

The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, 'Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada !'

A SPECIAL POEM FOR OLDER FOLKS

A row of bottles on my shelf

Caused me to analyze myself.
One yellow pill I have to pop
Goes to my heart so it won't stop.
A little white one that I take
Goes to my hands so they won't shake.
The blue ones that I use a lot
Tell me I'm happy when I'm not.
The purple pill goes to my brain
And tells me that I have no pain.
The capsules tell me not to wheeze
Or cough or choke or even sneeze..
The red ones, smallest of them all
Go to my blood so I won't fall.
The orange ones, very big and bright
Prevent my leg cramps in the night.
Such an array of brilliant pills
Helping to cure all kinds of ills.
But what I'd really like to know............
Is what tells each one where to go!

LAUGH A LITTLE EVERY DAY . . . .

There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here right now thinking how nice it is that wrinkles & fat don't hurt.

SENIOR MOMENTS

Source: youtube

RUGBY - RUGBY

Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.

When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day. One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved rugby all our lives, and we played rugby on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's rugby there."

Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed," Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you.

Shortly after that, Joe passes on.

At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Mike--Mike."

"Who is it? asks Mike sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"

"Mike--it's me, Joe."

"You're not Joe. Joe just died."

"I'm telling you, it's me, Joe," insists the voice."

"Joe! Where are you?"

"In heaven", replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."

"Tell me the good news first," says Mike.

"The good news," Joe says," is that there's rugby in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play rugby all we want, and we never get tired."

That's fantastic," says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?

"You're in the team for this Saturday."

OUR CRAZY LANGUAGE

"IF PRO AND CON ARE OPPOSITES, IS CONGRESS THE OPPOSITE OF

PROGRESS?"

English is the most widely used language in the history of our planet. One in every seven human beings can speak it. More than half of the world's books and three-quarters of international mail are in English. Of all languages, English has the largest vocabulary - perhaps as many as TWO MILLION words - and one of the noblest bodies of literature.

Nonetheless, let's face it: English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, neither pine nor apple in pineapple and no ham in a hamburger. English muffins weren't invented in England or french fries in France. Sweetmeats are candy, while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But when we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, public bathrooms have no baths and a guinea pig is neither a pig nor from

Guinea.

And why is it that a writer writes, but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce, humdingers don't hum and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, shouldn't the plural of booth be beeth? One goose, two geese - so one moose, two meese? One index, two indices - one Kleenex, two Kleenices?

Doesn't it seem loopy that you can make amends but not just one amend, that you comb through the annals of history but not just one anal? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and you get rid of all but one, what do you call it?

If the teacher taught, why isn't it true that the preacher praught? If a horsehair mat is made from the hair of horses and a camel's-hair coat from the hair of camels, from what is a mohair coat made? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? If you wrote a letter, perhaps you also bote your tongue?

Sometimes I wonder if all English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what other language do people drive on a parkway and park in a driveway? Recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? 

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? How can OVERLOOK and OVERSEE be opposites, while QUITE A LOT and QUITE A FEW are alike?

How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell the next?

Did you ever notice that we talk about certain things only when they are absent? Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown, met a sung hero or experienced requited love? Have you ever run into someone who was combobulated, gruntled, ruly or peccable?

And where are the people who ARE spring chickens or who actually WOULD hurt a fly? I meet individuals who CAN cut the mustard and whom I WOULD touch with a ten-foot pole, but I cannot talk about them in English.

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which your alarm clock goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't really a race at all). That is why, when stars are out they are visible, but when the lights are out they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch I start it, but when I wind up this essay I end it.

Ref.: From "Crazy English" by Richard Lederer, Reader's Digest, June 1990

CUT AND PASTE

A popular motivational speaker was entertaining his Audience. He Said: 

“The best years of  my life were spent in the arms of a woman who wasn’t my wife!”

The audience was in silence and shock. The speaker added: “And that woman was my mother!”

Laughter and Applause!!!

A week later, a top manager trained by the motivational speaker tried to crack this very effective joke at home. He was a bit foggy after a drink. He said loudly to his wife who was preparing dinner, “The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who was not my Wife!”
The wife went; “ahhhh!” with shock and rage.
Standing there for 20 seconds trying to recall the second Half of the joke, the manager finally blurted out “…and I can’t remember who she was!”
By the time the manager regained his consciousness, he was on a hospital bed nursing burns from boiling water.


Moral of the story…
Don’t Copy if you can’t PASTE

SENIOR COMMENTS: A 98 YEAR OLD WOMAN'S LETTER TO HER BANK

Dear Sir,

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my Pension, an arrangement, which, I admit, has been in place for only thirty eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account £30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, but when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan payments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate. Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.

Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Solicitor, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course, I will issue your employee with PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows:

1. To make an appointment to see me.
2. To query a missing payment.
3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7. To leave a message on my computer (a password to access my computer is required.
A password will be communicated to you at a later date to the Authorized Contact.)
8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through to 8.
9. To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

Best Regards,

XXXXXXXXXXX

SURE CURE FOR BACK PAIN !

THE BABY & THE TURKEY

A WRONG EMAIL ADDRESS

A man checked into a hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife.
However, he accidentally typed a wrong e-mail address, without realizing his error, he sent the mail.
Meanwhile... Somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned from her husband's funeral.
The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting condolence messages from relatives and friends.
After reading the first message, she fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've reached
Date: 16 Mar 2008
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here, and we are allowed to send e-mails to loved ones.
I've just reached and have been checked in.
I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

Looking forward to see you TOMORROW  !

THE BEST MEDICINE

Brilliant Joke, ENJOY!!!

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes." The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.

Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!" The woman said, "That's okay." For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to". The woman replied,

 

 

"That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me." So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world! For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you. " The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine." So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world! The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."

 

 

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

 

 

Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.

 

 

Male readers: Please scroll down.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife!!!

 

 

Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think they're really smart.

 

 

Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show

 

 

PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen!!!

 

 

Forward this to all the guys for a good laugh, and to all the ladies who have a good sense of humour.

 

A MODERN MIRACLE

A little girl went to her bedroom and pulled a glass jelly jar from its hiding place in the closet.

She poured the change out on the floor and counted it carefully. Three times, even.. The total had to be exactly perfect. No chance here for mistakes.

Carefully placing the coins back in the jar and twisting on the cap, she slipped out the back door and made her way 6 blocks to Rexall's Drug Store with the big red Indian Chief sign above the door.

She waited patiently for the pharmacist to give her some attention, but he was too busy at this moment. Tess twisted her feet to make a scuffing noise. Nothing. She cleared her throat with the most disgusting sound she could muster. No good. Finally she took a quarter from her jar and banged it on the glass counter. That did it!

'And what do you want?' the pharmacist asked in an annoyed tone of voice.. I'm talking to my brother from Chicago whom I haven't seen in ages,' he said without waiting for a reply to his question.

'Well, I want to talk to you about my brother,' Tess answered back in the same annoyed tone. 'He's really, really sick....and I want to buy a miracle.'

'I beg your pardon?' said the pharmacist.

'His name is Andrew and he has something bad growing inside his head and my Daddy says only a miracle can save him now. So how much does a miracle cost?'

'We don't sell miracles here, little girl. I'm sorry but I can't help you,' the pharmacist said, softening a little...

'Listen, I have the money to pay for it. If it isn't enough, I will get the rest. Just tell me how much it costs....'

The pharmacist's brother was a well dressed man. He stooped down and asked the little girl, 'What kind of a miracle does your brother need?'

' I don't know,' Tess replied, with her eyes welling up. I just know he's really sick and Mommy says he needs an operation. But my Daddy can't pay or it, so I want to use my money..'

'How much do you have?' asked the man from Chicago ..

'One dollar and eleven cents,' Tess answered, barely audible.

'And it's all the money I have, but I can get some more if I need to.'

'Well, what a coincidence,' smiled the man. 'A dollar and eleven cents---the exact price of a miracle for little brothers.'

He took her money in one hand and with the other hand he grasped her
mitten and said 'Take me to where you live. I want to see your brother and meet your parents. Let's see if I have the miracle you need.'

That well-dressed man was Dr. Carlton Armstrong, a surgeon, specializing in neuro-surgery. The operation was completed free of charge and it wasn't long until Andrew was home again and doing well.

Mom and Dad were happily talking about the chain of events that had led them to this place..

'That surgery,' her Mom whispered. 'was a real miracle. I wonder how much it would have cost?'

Tess smiled. She knew exactly how much a miracle cost...one dollar and eleven cents...plus the faith of a little child.

In our lives, we never know how many miracles we will need.

A miracle is not the suspension of natural law, but the operation of a higher law.

AND THEN IT IS WINTER .....

You know.. . . time has a way of moving quickly and catching you unaware of the passing years.

It seems just yesterday that I was young, just married and embarking on my new life with my mate. And yet in a way, it seems like eons ago, and I wonder where all the years went.

I know that I lived them all...

And I have glimpses of how it was back then and of all my hopes and dreams... But, here it is... the winter of my life and it catches me by surprise... How did I get here so fast? Where did the years go and where did my youth go?

I remember well... seeing older people through the years and thinking that those older people were years away from me and that winter was so far off that I could not fathom it or imagine fully what it would be like...

But, here it is... my friends are retired and getting grey... they move slower and I see an older person now. Some are in better and some worse shape than me... but, I see the great change...Not like the ones that I remember who were young and vibrant... but, like me, their age is beginning to show and we are now those older folks that we used to see and never thought we'd be.

Each day now, I find that just getting a shower is a real target for the day! And taking a nap is not a treat anymore.... it's mandatory! Cause if I don't on my own free will... I just fall asleep where I sit!

And so...now I enter into this new season of my life unprepared for all the aches and pains and the loss of strength and ability to go and do things that I wish I had done but never did!!

But, at least I know, that though the winter has come, and I'm not sure how long it will last... this I know, that when it's over.... its over... Yes, I have regrets. There are things I wish I hadn't done... things I should have done, but indeed, there are many things I'm happy to have done. It's all in a lifetime...

So, if you're not in your winter yet... let me remind you, that it will be here faster than you think. So, whatever you would like to accomplish in your life please do it quickly! Don't put things off too long!!

Life goes by quickly. So, do what you can today, as you can never be sure whether this is your winter or not!

ATM PROTOCOL FOR MALE AND FEMALE CUSTOMERS

A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:

'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.

Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.'

*******************************

MALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to the cash machine.

2. Put down your car window.

3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.

4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.

5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.

6. Put window up.

7. Drive off.

*******************************
FEMALE PROCEDURE:

What is really funny is that most of this part is the Truth.!!!!

1. Drive up to cash machine.

2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.

3. Set hand brake, put the window down.

4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.

5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.

6. Attempt to insert card into machine.

7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.

8. Insert card.

9. Re-insert card the right way.

10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.

11. Enter PIN.

12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.

13. Enter amount of cash required.

14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.

15. Retrieve cash and receipt.

16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.

17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of chequebook.

18. Re-check makeup.

19. Drive forward 2 feet.

20. Reverse back to cash machine.

21. Retrieve card.

22. Re-empty handbag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!

23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.

24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.

25. Redial person on cell phone.

26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.

27. Release hand brake.

IT’S A PUNNY WORLD – ENJOY IT !

   --I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down. 

 -- Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now. 

 --  It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it. 

 -- I was going to look for my missing watch, but I could never find the time. 

 --. I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it. 

 --  A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it. 

 --  Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest. 

 -- To write with a broken pencil is pointless. 

 --  He drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how the Mercedes bends. 

 -- Atheism is a non-prophet organization. 

 -- . I did a theatrical performance about puns. Really it was just a play on words. 

 -- I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now. 

 -- Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor. 

-- A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.

 --  Need an ark to save two of every animal? I noah guy.

 -- A new type of broom came out, it is sweeping the nation.

  -- A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital.  

 When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was a nurse said 'No change yet'.

 --  The new weed whacker is cutting-hedge technology.

  -- Some people's noses and feet are built backwards: their feet smell and their noses run.

 -- When William joined the army he disliked the phrase 'fire at will'.

 --  Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.

  -- There was once a cross-eyed teacher who couldn't control his pupils.

  -- The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

 -- I wanted to lose weight so I went to the paint store. I heard I could get thinner there.

 -- Lightning sometimes shocks people because it just doesn't know how to conduct itself.

 -- A prisoner's favorite punctuation mark is the period. It marks the end of his sentence.

 --  A rule of grammar: double negatives are a no-no.

 -- Sleeping comes so naturally to me, I could do it with my eyes closed.

  -- Atheists don't solve exponential equations because they don't believe in higher powers.

 -- It's raining cats and dogs. Well, as long as it doesn't reindeer.

 -- I relish the fact that you've mustard the strength to ketchup to me.

  --- My new theory on inertia doesn't seem to be gaining momentum.

  -- The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

 --- What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing - but it let out a little whine.

 --  When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

 --  If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

  --- She got fired from the hot dog stand for putting her hair in a bun.

 -- The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

  -- John Deere's manure spreader is the only equipment the company won't stand behind.

 -- Pencils could be made with erasers at both ends, but what would be the point?

 -- I was arrested after my therapist suggested I take something for my kleptomania.

 --- A hungry traveller stops at a monastery and is taken to the kitchens. A brother is frying chips.  

 'Are you the friar?' he asks.  

 'No.I'm the chip monk,' he replies.
 

-- Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I'm OK, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside.

 --What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).

 --  Two peanuts were walking in a tough neighborhood and one of them was a-salted.

ALL ABOUT "UP"

Read until the end.....you'll laugh....

This two-letter word in English has more meanings than any
other two-letter word, and that word
is 'UP.'  It is listed in the
dictionary as an [adv], [prep], [adj], [n] or [v].

It's
easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky
or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we
wake UP?

At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do
we speak UP, and why are the
officers UP for
election and why is it UP to the secretary to
write UP a
report? We call UP our friends,
brighten UP a room, polish UP the
silver, warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We
lock UP the house and 
fix UP the old
car.

At other times this little word has real special
meaning. People stir UP trouble,
line UP for
tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.

To be dressed is one
thing but to be dressed UP is
special.

And this UP is confusing:  A
drain must be opened UP because it is stopped  UP.

We
open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at
night. We seem to be pretty mixed
UP about UP !

To be
knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look UP the word UP in the dictionary.. In a desk-sized
dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4 of the page and can add UP to about
thirty definitions

If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may
wind UP with a hundred or
more.

When it threatens to rain, we say it is
clouding UP . When the sun comes out
we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, it
soaks UP the
earth. When it does not rain for awhile, things dry UP. One could go on & on, but I'll wrap
it UP, for now  ........my time is UP !

Don't screw UP. Send this on to everyone you
look UP in your address
book..  
 
Now
I'll shut UP

A LIVERPOOL CLASSIC

A woman walks into the Liverpool benefits office, trailed by 15 kids...

 'WOW,' the social worker exclaims, 'Are they ALL yours ?

Yeah they are all mine,' the flustered mother sighs, having heard

that question a thousand times before. She says, 'Sit down Terry.' All the children rush to find seats.

 'Well,' says the social worker, 'then you must be here to sign up.

 I'll need all your children's names.'

 This one's my oldest - he is Terry.'  'OK, and who's next?'

 'Well, this one he is Terry, also.'

 The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Terry. Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Terri.

'All right,' says the caseworker. 'I'm seeing a pattern here. Are they ALL named Terri?'

 Their Mother replied, 'Well, yes - it makes it easier. When it is time

 to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Terry!' And

 when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Terry!' and they all come ..  runnin.'

And if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street,

 I just yell 'Terry' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I 've

had, namin' them all Terry.'

The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her

forehead and says tentatively, 'But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?

'I call them by their surnames!'

A LESSON FROM LIFE – AND DEATH

Arthur Ashe, the legendary Wimbledon player, was dying of Aids which he got due to infected blood he received during heart surgery in 1983.

During his battle with cancer, Ashe received letters from fans from all over the world. He read all of his letters, but only replied to one. The fan who wrote to him asked him, “Why does God have to select you for such a bad disease?” 

Ashe replied, “In the world, there are 50 million children who start playing tennis each year, 1 million of them really learn to play tennis. Half a million manage to learn professional tennis. 50,000 come to the circuit, 5,000 reach the grand slam. 50 reach Wimbledon, 4 reach the final round, 2 reach the final round, and only one wins the championship. When I was holding the cup, I never asked, ‘God, why me?’ and today in pain, how could I ask him, ‘why me?’” 

Happiness keeps you sweet

Trials keep you strong

Sorrow keeps you human

Failure keeps you humble and success keeps you glowing

but

Only faith and attitude keep you going!!!

THE FIRST 9/11 DIVORCE

NOTHING, THANK YOU !

In India, it is customary to ask a guest, "Kya Pyoge?" or "What will you drink" to which a polite reply (not taken seriously by the host) is "Kuchh Nahin (or nai)" which means "Nothing, thank you."

Taking inspiration from this, a distiller in Scotland has recently brought out a scotch called, what else, "Kuchh Nai". It is being promoted as a deluxe Scotch whiskey. For more details, connoiseurs can visit http://www.kuchhnai.com/index.php.

Here's a photo of a bottle of nothing or "Kuchh Nai" :

That Perfect Bottle of Scotch - Cheers !

A DIVORCED WIFE’S REVENGE

CURTAIN RODS----AN INSTRUMENT OF REVENGE !

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and
suitcases.

On the second day, she had the movers come
and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful
dining room table by candle-light, put on some soft background music,
and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of
spring-water .

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited
a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of the
curtain rods.

She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for
the first few days.

Then slowly, the house began to smell.

They tried everything; cleaning, mopping and airing the place out.

Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned.
Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to
set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few
days and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool
carpeting.

Nothing worked!!!

People stopped coming over to visit.
Repairmen refused to work in the house.
The maid quit.

Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.
A month later, even though they had cut
their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house.

Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return
their calls.

Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to
purchase a new place ...

The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going.

He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that
she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a
price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only
if she were to sign the papers that very day.

She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home.........

And to spite the ex-wife, they even took the curtain rods!!!!!!

I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?