THE CONSULTANT

A shepherd was looking after his sheep on the edge of a deserted road. Suddenly a brand new Mercedes SUV screeches to a halt next to him. The driver, a young man dressed in a Brioni suit, Cerrutti shoes, Ray-Ban glasses, and a YSL tie got out and asked the shepherd: "If I can guess how many sheep you have, will you give me one of them?" 

The shepherd looked at the young man, then looked at the sheep grazing a few yards away and said: "All right." The young man parked the car,
connected a notebook computer to his cellular telephone, entered a NASA
website, scanned the ground using his GPS, opened a data base and 60 Excel
tables filled with algorithms and then printed a 150-page report on his
high-tech mini-printer. He then turned to the shepherd and said: "You have
exactly 1,586 sheep here."

The shepherd answered: "That's correct; you can have your one sheep." The
 young man took the sheep and put it in the back of his SUV.

The shepherd watched him load the sheep and asked: "If I can guess your
 profession, will you return my sheep to me?"

The young man answered: "Yes, why not."

The shepherd thought a moment then said: "You are a consultant!"

"How did you know?" asked the young man.

"Very simple", answered the shepherd: "First, you come here without being
 called. Second, you charge me a sheep to tell me something I already know.
 Third, it is obvious that you do not understand anything about what I do.

You took my dog!

SQUARE TESTICLES

An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money..

After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.

The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, '$165,000'. The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money.  The elderly woman replied that she made bets.

The president was surprised and asked, 'What kind of bets?'

The elderly woman replied, 'Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square.'

The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.

The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, 'Would you like to take my bet?'

'Certainly', replied the president. 'I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square.'

'Done', the elderly woman answered. 'But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 ' clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness.'

'No problem', said the president of the Bank confidently.

That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.

The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square.

The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before.  Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.

The president was happy to oblige.

The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. 'Of course', said the president. 'Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure.'

The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, 'Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada !'

A SPECIAL POEM FOR OLDER FOLKS

A row of bottles on my shelf

Caused me to analyze myself.
One yellow pill I have to pop
Goes to my heart so it won't stop.
A little white one that I take
Goes to my hands so they won't shake.
The blue ones that I use a lot
Tell me I'm happy when I'm not.
The purple pill goes to my brain
And tells me that I have no pain.
The capsules tell me not to wheeze
Or cough or choke or even sneeze..
The red ones, smallest of them all
Go to my blood so I won't fall.
The orange ones, very big and bright
Prevent my leg cramps in the night.
Such an array of brilliant pills
Helping to cure all kinds of ills.
But what I'd really like to know............
Is what tells each one where to go!

LAUGH A LITTLE EVERY DAY . . . .

There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here right now thinking how nice it is that wrinkles & fat don't hurt.